Sunday, August 28, 2011

The Head and the Heart

I have a hard time making decisions. I don't know why I struggle with it so. I think I just don't want to make a mistake -- do the wrong thing then regret it. It has always been important to me to do the right thing. But how do you know what the right thing IS?

When I was younger, I remember my mother sitting down with me and teaching me a popular method for making decisions. She took out a piece of notebook paper and drew a line down the middle. On one side she wrote "pros" and on the other she wrote "cons." She explained to me what this meant. Then we started writing things down in the columns. I don't remember what dilemma was troubling me, but I remember this exercise.

And I remember it left me feeling a bit empty. I had a lot written on one side, and not a lot written on the other, and yet something in my heart was telling me to go with the side that had the least things written, which was exactly the opposite of what the exercise was supposed to accomplish. This, of course, confused me even more. I didn't understand at the time what this meant.

That exercise was all about logic. What looked "right" on paper. This became my standard for decison making and I think this might be where I lost the ability to listen to my gut and follow my heart. And that is funny because when it comes to anything else, I live mostly by my heart. I try to be logical, but in the end my heart usually wins out. In making big decisions though, I still struggle.

I have an important decision to make in my life right now.  The pros and cons are weighing heavily upon me. I think I feel my heart steering me in the direction I need to take, but I'm still uncertain. It's not logical, what my heart says.  It goes against my sensibilities.  One day I wake up and think, "Okay, I know the answer. This is what I'm going to do." Then the next day, I wake up feeling just the opposite. It's driving me crazy! And this is my typical pattern.

So I'm doing what I always do. I talk to people. I ask their opinion.  I ruminate on what they have to say.  And, as always, the opinions vary and they ALL make sense! Everyone has a good point. And I suppose, in the end, all this talking only buries my heart's voice even deeper

I also pray. I ask God to steer me in the right direction. "Tell my heart what to do. SHOW ME PLEASE!" Why can't God just yell in my ear, "Do this dummy!" Why does He have to be so secretive?

I often wish life was like that insurance commercial. The one where the green line shows up and all you have to do is follow it to go in the right direction.

Fear. Change. Consequences. The unknown. All factors in making important decisions. I guess in the end it's about listening to your gut and then taking that leap of faith. Not always playing it safe. The right thing for you might not be the right thing for someone else.  Maybe the choice won't seem practical or responsible. I suppose that isn't what is important in the end. It's about opening up a space in your life for good things to come in. Letting go of what isn't working for you. Life doesn't come with a blueprint. I wish it did!

What guides you in your decision making?

26 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. Hi Michael Ann. This doesn't sound uncommon. We hear it all the time... "I would've done..." or "if I was her I would do..."

    I've learned to trust in God. He makes no mistakes, even when 'after-the-fact' we might believe we did. I've since learned not to look back on my decisions as regret. People make mistakes all the time, yet we fear it in pursuit of one thing that will never be - Perfect Perfection.

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  3. Great post and a dilemma most of us share. Whenever I'm stuck, I try to visualise myself in the life I would find myself if I made each decision, then I see which feels right and true. Good luck with your own decision.

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  4. I have difficulty with decisions also. I find that praying is the best method. The pro/con column method has never worked for me because one con can "weigh" more than 20 pros. A long time ago in grad school I had 2 summer job offers. One paid more than the other and was potentially more prestigious. I had a very strong feeling I should take the lower paying one and following my gut. That job is where I met my future husband. Good luck with your big decision. Remember, any decision will lead somewhere, and once you make it, don't look back!

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  5. I used to struggle with decisions, too. Even little ones, like whether or not to let one of my kids stay home from school even if they didn't have a fever. I finally figured out that it was because I only ever wanted to make the "Right" choice. I was afraid to be wrong. When I started to ask myself the question, "What would this look like if it weren't coming from a place of fear?" and went about life, not paying attention to the choice at hand, I discovered that the choice presented itself to me. Generally, we know what we need to do, but our fear gets in the way. Once we realize that we can't do the "Right" thing every time and we are willing to apologize for mistakes and move on, it becomes easier to go with the flow. Good luck!

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  6. I always struggle the pros and cons approach because there are some decisions that need to be made that are not logical. For example, when I decided to take a chance and leave my steady, well-paid job for a job with less money and not as stable, the majority of items would have been in the opposite column from what I truly wanted. But I did the "unthinkable" in that I left the steady job for one that would make me happier. And I'm so glad I did. Sometimes it's truly about instinct and what feels right in your heart.

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  7. I don't dally. I am not wired that way. That's not to say I don't make hasty decisions or mistakes or might regret something (which I NEVER ALLOW MYSELF TO DO) because life is just too damn short. What I do struggle with is 'the after' - after going forth with something and living it, I will struggle or fight with the letting go of something. I wish you strength and hope you and your heart arrive at the place it needs to be. Brenda

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  8. You guys are wonderful. ALL your comments are so helpful to me and hopefully others too. And I appreciate your sharing of what works for you and how your approach this in your lives.

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  9. Just getting to this, Michael Ann. I'm also one who makes all the pros and cons on a list and looks at it from twelve different perspectives. But in the end I always find that my first reaction was the best. After all of these years I just trust that I know what's right for me. So ask yourself "How many mega-mistakes have I really made by just trusting my gut?"

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  10. Don't give up. I'm so much better (at my advanced age!) at making decisions than I was when I was younger. I was once asked to be vice president of an organization and turned it down because I'd have to make too many decision. When I was contemplating a divorce, I was absolutely frozen. I remember vividly standing the the grocery store in front of the green beans, asking myself what I should do and being unable to move. Fortunately, I haven't had a green bean experience in years.

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  11. When younger I didn't have any difficulty making decisions; I was the impulsive type. Since viewing the wreckage that wrong decisions can make I am far more cautious. I always sleep on something overnight, pray about it and ask the opinion of a friend who knows me and I trust. Time is precious, and we all need to know we're committing ourselves to the right thing for us, not necessarily the good thing.

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  12. Michael Ann, I read the part about making a list with your mom in your post and smiled from ear to ear. Why? Because that's what I used to do with my mom and that's why I did with my kids. This list making strategy seems to run in families and I'm afraid you might be on to something--it does take away from the heart steering possibility. I've reached a point in my life where I follow my heart and to hell with the consequences. The way I figure, we're always going to suffer some remorse, whatever we do, so we may as well feel it for what we wanted to do in the first place. Logic may look good on paper but rarely does it make our heart sing. I'm just sayin'! :)

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  13. Michael Ann, Great question and one we have all had too many times. I think wisdom comes with time and time allows mistakes. They make us who we are. I have come to know that God leads the way if we let Him, and He knows whats up ahead. Pray on it then follow what fills your being. May God be with you.

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  14. I pray a lot. Pros and cons lists usually only work for me if it is something like buying a house or car. Not all pros and cons are equal. But with a purchase the lists can help us to see if it is a want or a need.

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  15. Stopping by from SheWrites today. When I was younger I used to leap at the road less traveled. Now I try to slow down, listen to my inner instincts, and let the answer present itself.

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  16. What a great post and what great comments. I have struggled with this as well, in differing degrees depending on where I have been in my life. I also tend to suffer from "buyers remorse", should I have chosen that path, should I have dont this. Right now the voices are much quieter, I listen to my heart more. There is a wonderful line in a Sondheim song from Sunday in the Park with George, that I not have ecactly right (my memory is gone!) but it's close " The choice may have been mistaken, the choosing was not" and I love that. So now I choose rather than let life choose for me, and I'm happier for it!! Beautiful post I always enjoy your writing!

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  17. I am sorry you are having trouble with your decision-making. It's often quite hard to figure out what the right thing is to do. But you know what? Somehow, after we've made that decision, things work out. All that worry and dread over making the right one, and things end up just how they are supposed to. I wish you luck!

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  18. Wonderful comments everyone! I love reading each and every one of them and it means a lot to me that you took the time to write them. I try to respond to everyone individually via email. Sometimes it take a few days, but please know that I appreciate what you write here!

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  19. This is such a great topic. I do the pros and cons list too, and all too often find myself leaning to the less filled side of the list. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit guides my heart even when I want to blatantly disobey. But often when I pray, I feel the need to remind God that I'm pretty thick skulled sometimes. "Remember God, with me...you really have to do something BIG to get my attention, otherwise I'm likely to miss your message altogether." But He doesn't let me off that easily. Instead He demands that I stop - be still- meet Him in prayer - and wait quietly for His wisdom. That's the only thing that ends up working well for me.

    Blessings,
    Rosann
    http://www.christiansupermom.com/

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  20. Good luck with your decision. Your post made me realize that I will have to teach my children how to make decisions and how they are not always easy. My hubbie and I have some decisions to make also. We are weighing out the pros and con and praying to. We have the make the right one. We have taken too many wrong turns in the last 5 years.
    Good luck!
    :)
    Ali
    Thank you for visiting! I am following back :)

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  21. I am so much better at helping others with their decisions...I literally had to go outside and sit and think about how I was going to reply to this post (and a great one, by the way). Over the last five years I have had to make tons of decisions (loss of job, becoming a full time student, and dealing with a teenager). I am now coming to a point once again where I have to make a huge decision concerning my home. When it comes to my own decision making, I am with you, I wish God would slap me up side the head and say, "This is what you have to do idiot." I am one that will procrastinate and avoid decision making at all costs....UGH!! I wish I could get over that. Fear always gets in the way.
    I loved the music clip on your post.

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  22. Try this, Michael Ann, when you don't hear God's whisper too well: Offer a sign. When I was a kid it was, "If it rains tomorrow (I lived in the tropics where it was six months rain, six months dry, and we were in the middle of the dry season)..." It rained. I had my answer.

    All the hand-wringing can stop if you let go and let God.

    A couple of weeks ago I finally reached a decision to end a friendship based on what might seem a really superficial set of circumstances. But that was between God and me, and He set those circumstances in place. Because, as they say, there are no coincidences, not if you're listening closely. ; )

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  23. Hmmm...I'm sure whatever decision you make will be the right one for the moment you're in. Sometimes, as you may well know, the answer may come through someone indirectly. But do give yourself a break from thinking about it too much, if possible.

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  24. Just do what Oprah always says: follow the voice inside you. That's the right decision, even if it goes against everything you've always believed. Maybe it's time to believe something new! On the other hand, if you've agonized about it this long, maybe that's what the voice is telling you: don't do it. The voice doesn't want you to do it and is holding you back from making a decision. So either way, listen to your inner voice! Whew!

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  25. I love that you pray - that is the best choice! I agree, though, that I wish that God would give us a verbal answer - LOUD & Clear! :)

    Thanks for stopping by my blog. I'm your newest follower!

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I always appreciate what you have to say and I love to reply personally. Do you have your Google profile set to show your email so I can do that?

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