Saturday, September 10, 2011

Speak or Hold Your Peace

I'm a big one for talking. I don't like to keep things inside. Just ask my family. I'm sure I drive them crazy, always wanting to talk about things, tell them how I feel, figure things out. It's just who I am.  I don't really know any other way to process life, besides writing, which is a form of talking too, just quieter.  I've been told I'm an "external processor."   Sounds about right. I do process in my head, but usually things just gets confused in there so I have to get it out somehow to make better sense of it.

Some people don't like to talk about stuff. They keep it all inside. They figure it out on their own, or maybe they just don't worry about things too much.   For whatever reason, they don't share.  But feelings have a way of coming out eventually, and when you stuff them, they usually come out in not so good ways.  They might come out all at once in some giant gesture or verbal storm.  Or worse.

I definitely think, overall, it is better to express our feelings than to hold them in. However, expressing feelings can get us into trouble  if we aren't careful. There are good ways to do it and bad ways to do it, and unless you are a professional communicator, you've probably made a few mistakes with the whole communication thing. I know I have.  And I've been the victim of some not so good communication as well.

It's something we have to just learn as we go along, I guess. With each person we interact with and with each of our relationships, we learn and grow and hopefully, develop better communication skills. We learn when to listen and when to speak.  We learn when it's important to express ourselves and when it might be better to hold our tongue.

Ok, that's totally in an ideal world, I realize! There is crazy, awful, messy communication going on all over the place, all the time. You only have to watch a minute of reality t.v. to witness that. It seems the general rule of thumb is just say whatever you feel like saying at any time, to anyone, and damn the consequences!  It's ok if you hurt someone's feelings, break someone's heart, or mess with their psyche. As long as you get to vent and get it all off your chest, that's all that matters. At least YOU feel better.

Emotions are tricky things. They can take over and make you say and do things you might not otherwise say or do when you are calm. When you are upset it is NOT easy to think before you speak.  I know first hand how this works!

To share your feelings or not, should be a decision not a reaction. It takes some of us a long time to learn this. Think about the consequences of what you are about to say. What is the goal? Is it to improve your relationship or circumstances? Or is it simply to vent?  Venting is ok--sometimes we really need to do that. But if venting comes with a cost you aren't prepared to accept, you might want to rethink things. Is it worth it to share? Maybe this is something you should process on your own. Think about it, write about it, pray about it, talk about it with a friend.  You might even realize it's YOUR issue and not something the other person needs to hear about at all.

We all know our words are powerful.  Say what you need to say--but with respect, kindness and purpose.

Here's the song that was in my head while I was writing this. LOVE him. Love this song.

29 comments:

  1. Great post. I, too, am someone who needs to talk things out. One thing I've learned is that timing is everything. Sometimes I need to step away to calm myself first (and in the process learn that, oops, I need to do a little work on myself), or wait because it's bad timing for the person I want to talk with. There's a fine line between caring for ourselves and being considerate of others...some days I'm better at it than others!

    ReplyDelete
  2. I am mostly an 'out with it' kind of gal. Being Latin, I will speak from that angry spot if my blood is at a fever pitch. I am also emotional (that Latin thing again and when I need back up I mention my astrological sign). Over the years and having learned a thing or two, I force myself to breath in before reacting. Loved this song. I've never been big on John, but he is handy with lyrics. Wonderful post, Michael.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Nadine, well-said, "a fine line between caring for ourselves and being considerate of others." That about sums it up! Brenda, I'm Italian so I completely understand the fire! :-) Thank you both.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Very insightful! I was raised in a family where always talked about our emotions and what was bothering us. This is good and bad. But it was an adjustment with my husband, who was used to keeping frustration and anger to himself. I could always tell if something was bothering him and he didn't express it. It's really hard for someone who is used to expressing to understand that. But we've both come a long way together.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I would post a comment here, but I'd rather maintain the mystery...;-)

    ReplyDelete
  6. Good post and so true. I think I am considered on the quiet side among poeple who know me, but there have been times I have said too much or the wrong thing, and every time I do that it costs me big time in regret. I've learned by experience, especially in the office context, to think before I speak. I try to make it a policy to never say anything negative about another person in public. Sometimes though, opinions will slip out, even through tone of voice or body language. The tongue is a powerful tool for either good or evil, and hard to control, as the Bible says.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Leah, that is wonderful that you and your husband have grown together in communication. That's sometimes hard to change your natural inclination. Steve, you crack me up! Carol, you make a great point about body language too. Thanks for all the comments.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I process in the same way you do Michael Ann and think its a pretty healthy way to do so! I agree that it's important to check our reasons and motives for being 'honest' sometimes, and make sure our personality or style doesn't hurt others. Thanks for sharing about this important topic.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Good point! I find the combination of journaling, blogging, and good girlfriends combined with my Latin temper and fire sign rarely keep me from holding much in. The trick is to do it gracefully. I'm working on how to do it politically at work...that's a hard one!

    http://mamawolfe-living.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
  10. As a child I was terribly shy and never wanted to say a thing. As I grew older, when I had something I wanted to say it often came out wrong because I'd blurt before I thought. Now I think I blurt because I feel like I'm going to forget what I want to say before I get it out. It is still a challenge for me to wait and think before I speak. Unfortunately, I can't go back and edit what I say like I can when I find typos and wrong phrasing in my writing.

    ReplyDelete
  11. You are so right about the consequences of speaking before thinking or to vent without considering the effect of your words on someone else. Personally, I'm one who keeps things inside. In fact, I'm about to meet with my second therapist in my whole life (in one year, I've gotten involved with therapists, something I never thought I'd do), and I don't think I can talk to him. It's just...weird. Communication is such an important concept. I prefer to keep my conversational communication to a minimum. Now as for my blog? Well. I just spew verbal vomit there.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Good message. I was quiet growing up, but after my career and then becoming a stay-at-home mom, I learned that life is short and it's a lot more fun and fulfilling to put yourself out there more. We grow, we learn, we adapt. I'm your newest follower, following back from http://www.mama-press.com

    ReplyDelete
  13. That’s right girl, tell it!
    I’ve said my share of words regretted. And I’ve learned to journal as a result ;-)
    Who wants to hear an endless rant… or be told off… or wounded with words that can never be recalled? Words can be a blessing or a curse. I chose blessing. (Or journaling).

    ReplyDelete
  14. Michael Ann, this post was like cake and the song... the creamy buttermilk icing, to top if off. I think I need to download this song and play it before engaging in certain enviroments, as a reminder to think before speaking.

    ReplyDelete
  15. My mom always said, "Better out than in." I think it's unhealthy to keep things bottled in. It actually gives me a headache and I feel so much better to just express whatever's going on.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Great points! I completely agree that some people (especially on reality TV as you mentioned) use the "well, I'm just being honest" as an excuse to say whatever they want with no regards to consequences. And I know I have of course spoken out of emotion or said things I later regret as well. I think it's important to realize that we can be honest and genuine, without being adversarial and hurtful. Sometimes it just goes back to the whole, "If you don't have anything nice to say..." way of communicating!

    ReplyDelete
  17. A decision ... not a reaction, exactly!

    Delighted to meet you today. I hope you don't mind if I splash around a bit to get to know you. This looks like a nice place to slip off my shoes and jump in.

    Splashin,
    Sarah

    ReplyDelete
  18. There is definitely a time to speak and a time to leave it unsaid. I 'm thinking about marriage or family matters and when things have bugged us for years and nothing has changed. To keep speaking becomes nagging. Yet, when I have dared speak emotions at times it has been the best thing.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Hmmmmm...saying something as a decision rather than a reaction...that's deep. :) Actually I've been working on that a lot - but with my anger -- I'm so impatient. I'm always overtired (not trying to make excuses but exhaustion really complicates things) and I REACT so often. My goal in life is to learn how to calm the heck down and respond, rather than react. Maybe someday.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I am amazed and overwhelmed by all your comments. Thank you all so much for visiting and for contributing to our conversation here!

    ReplyDelete
  21. I am a talker and a venter you need to get it out because if you leave it in it will eat you up inside.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Loved your post. I am a person who vomits info about myself to others....much to their dismay I'm sure. But I am very careful with what I say and how I say it concerning anything other than myself.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I'm a professional communicator, meaning I teach and coach professionals in communication skills, but that hasn't made me immune from making my own share of mistakes. As you say, Michael Ann, it's a matter of respect and kindness when it comes to our interactions with others.

    ReplyDelete
  24. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Michael Ann, back in the day when I was young and foolish, I would blurt out whatever came to mind without thinking twice of the impact my words might have. Thankfully, the years have softened my edges and granted me the ability to measure the weight of my words, adjust my pitch and tone, and deliver my message with class. Unfortunately, this doesn't always hold true when I'm angry. I'm afraid I still have much to learn! :)

    ReplyDelete
  26. Hi Michael Ann, I too am an external processor. It really helps to get things out where I can examine and make sense of them. I love your post. It takes courage to publicly display one's feelings. Blogging has helped me do that. Thanks, Michael Ann for an insightful post

    ReplyDelete
  27. What a great post!! My fiancee and I have this communication tool that we use often. If we need to vent we go to each other with, "Okay, I really need to vent...will you listen to me?" Or, "I'm having a problem with my feelings...will you help me?" This works well for US, but doesn't work well with other people in our lives. We understand each other, where others have no clue.

    ReplyDelete
  28. I love it that comments are still coming in! It's fun to read them. I try to respond personally if I can connect to your email. Julie, you bog is a great place for your emotional "vomit." :-) Nancy, it's good to know even the professionals can make mistakes. Angie, that is a great way to start a tough conversation! I might steal that.. :) Thank you, Nancy H. Bella, me too! It's taken me a long time to "mature." I'm still working on it!

    ReplyDelete
  29. Hi Michael Ann! I come from the opposite side of the pole--I'm more of the quiet type and most of the time, prefer to hold them in. And I agree with you that eventually pent up emotions come out in not so good ways. It happened to me several times. Yikes!

    This is a great post, Michael Ann! I love your insights! And I'd love to learn more from you!

    Take care! :-)

    Irene

    ReplyDelete

I always appreciate what you have to say and I love to reply personally. Do you have your Google profile set to show your email so I can do that?

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...